I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
what day is it and did you see me today?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
