i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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