Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
