I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
