What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I am naked and annoyed.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
