I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
