Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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