there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
