I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
