All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
