recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
