So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ladies don't puke and tell
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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