??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
