i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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