I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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