You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
