the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
