Only a mothe r could love this liver
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I will pee on everything he values.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
