I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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