I'm jealous of your bromance
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
