The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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