i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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