I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
