My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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