I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
