imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize