The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
