you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
