I wish I could punch you in the face.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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