I want to have your abortion
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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