end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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