I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
