You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
