dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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