I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You ruined the universe
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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