Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
