is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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