I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Randomize
