Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
