This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
