please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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