This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You ruined the universe
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
