found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just gargled with NyQuil
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
