Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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