New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
