my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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