Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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