a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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