Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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