I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I intend to get homeless drunk
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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