And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
