You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize