My liver just broke up with me...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
