the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
