I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
