And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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