i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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