I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Princesses don't give blow jobs
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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