I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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