All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
