ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
